Promises
by pkabyssinian1990
Summary: Yohji writes a letter to Aya explaining a few things, mainly why he's tearing off in search of his past. There is probably swearing in this, but nothing else noteworthy. Unless you count the sap.


Title: Promises Rating: G (I don't think there are any nasty words)  
Author: pkabyssinian Spoilers: Not really... alluding to Asuka/Neu.  
Disclaimer: I don't own them. I wish I did, but I don't. Please don't sue me for being a rabid fan. Thank you.

* * *

I am sorry for the lack of greeting in this letter, but to use your name seems too informal  it goes against all that we have shared. Any endearment would be wrong as well; you aren't one for tender monikers even in the heat of passion. I also apologize for taking the coward's way out with a letter instead of confronting you directly... I know what a stickler you are for forthrightness. As sappy as this may sound, it's true  I couldn't (and still can't) bear the thought of your eyes turning cold, locking me out when I need your understanding the most.

I do realize that by the time I return (never doubt it  I will be back!) your body will still be here, but your heart and soul will most likely be locked against me. Again, I have to beg for forgiveness, your first love letter from me is this. By the time you finish reading this I'm sure you will have carefully reconstructed that daunting barricade around your heart and feelings. It took me so long to breach your armor... what a betrayal this must seem to you. As much as I love you, need you, and want to be with you  she pulls me from you. Over, and over, and over again she wakes me from the dream that you are. If it were only dreams I could fight her with your solid presence... but she comes to me in the light of day as well as the depths of the night. I haven't dreamt of her since I first kissed you (or did you kiss me... it's all so hazy now, all I can remember is the blissful feeling of sinking into you). Her face haunts me, her eyes follow me, and her soul reproaches me and won't allow me to escape. I must find her and lay her to rest once and for all.

I am coming back... this isn't just a mantra I repeat to convince myself as well as you. I need to be near you, to try to make things right as well as because you are so important to me. I know you've been frustrated by my emotional distance these past few weeks, and your own distance doesn't know how to reach out to me. Perhaps our distances overwhelm each other, and there is no way for us to overcome it right now. Whatever the truth may be, I've been less than attentive you and I haven't been what you need. Your hard exterior protects you and shields you, but I know how much you need love and for someone to validate you. That sounds awful, but I see you as so vulnerable and it validates me to be able to protect you. You are my most precious thing.

Because of the break in our routine we've both been taking ridiculous risks. The others have noticed but can't find the words to break into our seeming lovers quarrel. Ever since that last mission, where she turned up  beautiful, deadly, and alive  I don't know what to do. How do I ask for comfort and advice from a new lover on an old one? And if I did, what could you possible say? That the dead stay dead? That it can't be her? That I should be man enough to let go of my past after all of this time? I agree, and that's partially why I'm going... to confirm all three.

If you can forgive me, wait for me. If you can't, wait anyway. I'll do whatever I have to make this up to you... know that I am not abandoning you for her. I could never do that, as much as she haunts me, you motivate me and make me whole. Even as I write this I see your crimson hair soaking up the light in my room to blaze against the pale sheets, which are whiter than even your skin. I can envision your eyes as they crumble and melt as you near the edge of your control. My heart is pounding to the sound of your name. And yet, overlying all of this is the image of her, of her falling and dying as I lie helpless nearby. I am terrified that you will be stolen from me by death as well... and I don't think I could outlive you the way I did her.

I need to finally let go of her, which is why I must go. I want our love to be untainted. I want you to receive my full attention, because with you I can be free. I must put her to rest, I must find out if our newest and most feminine enemy is my first love. Please don't judge me too harshly, for some day you will have your own "her" to release. I don't mean that to be reproachful, but as a way to help you to understand what I am doing.

As I write this and watch you sleep, I am once again struck by how much younger you look with your eyes closed. You remind me of me, before. I can also see the boy you would have been, the man you may have become if circumstances and fate had been kinder to you. In so many ways you are still so innocent. I do realize that none of us are truly innocent, not in our line of work, but you hold such high ideals for people and expect high morals from all that we encounter. You were raised to value the old ways of honor, to give respect, and to hold certain things sacred. I was raised to value myself, and to believe in what I could provide. In so many ways I don't even know you. Will your heart break? Will you miss me? Will you feel lost without me?

My heart is breaking over you, over your purity of purpose. Over your ability to not regret decisions. Over the fact that you could open the pearl of you to a wastrel like me. My heart breaks with idea that I may have ruined you, stained you, or brought regret to your world. I miss you already, the warmth you provide and the way your make me realize that I have value, if only in your eyes. I feel lost without you, because she has broken my connection with you.

Like all cyclic things, it all loops back to her. In all our time together I've never mentioned her beyond that we worked together... I have a penchant for falling for my coworkers. Probably because you will understand what I am doing and support me no matter what situation I find myself in. But she pulled me out of the gutter, almost literally, and taught me that I could be important to someone. She showed me that I was worthy of giving and receiving love, so essentially she gave me what I needed so that I could find my home with you. I am so damn frustrated by the fact that I can't just let her fade in my memory and be happy with you. What is wrong with me? Why must I be obsessed with a ghost? I wish I knew.

My hopes are to find her, to separate her from that fanatic group she's in and find out if she really is whom she looks like. If she is, I am hoping that knowing that she is alive will be enough for me  after I help her break away from them. If she isn't, perhaps this specter will die back and allow me to lock it in the recesses of my mind again. Maybe this will help to banish her, so the next time a woman who looks like her appears I won't become so fragmented again. I can't ask for help in this, if I do I'll never be able to escape her hold.

Everything I've ever told you is true. You are the only one in my heart that matters. You are my fortress, my strength, and I hold you above all others. She is a reminder of my weakness, and like all first loves, she has a special place in my heart. Would it make it better if she were my sister? If you can think of her as such, perhaps you will be able to better understand this crazy geas I have laid upon myself.

If the unthinkable happens and I lay my life down in this search for redemption, whatever I have is yours. Kritiker will dispose of my remains in a nameless, formless matter and you'll never know where I am. If that is the case, know that my true resting place is in your heart.  
If I could let you inside my head you would know that this isn't my ultimate goal, but a deepseated fear. I have promised to return and the only thing that will make me break this vow to you is the grim reaper. How melodramatic is that? Just like me, I suppose, always overemphasizing the dramatic.

Keep in mind that I do love you. I can't say it enough, much to your chagrin. I know that you feel the same, even if you can only whisper it in the dark. You show me in a thousand different ways  in the way you look at me, or when you take my hand for no reason, and even in the way you allow me to make your tea. I have to end this soon, dawn is approaching and you are becoming restless in that wide bed. It tears at me to see you looking so alone there... does your dreaming self know I am gone? I hope not, I pray that you are dreaming that you are wrapped in my arms and I am giving you the love you deserve.

Keep in mind I haven't broken a promise to you yet.

All my love,  
Yohji


End file.
